


Carry me close like the tear drops in your eyes

by Miralana



Series: the moments go by [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alpha Bellamy Blake, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Attempted Sexual Assault, Canon-Typical Violence, Discussion of Abortion, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Mpreg, Omega John Murphy, Other: See Story Notes, Post-Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 11:55:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4624428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miralana/pseuds/Miralana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He feels alone. And Murphy has always prided himself on not needing anyone but he can’t do this, he realises. He can’t do this.<br/><i>God he misses Bellamy so much.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Carry me close like the tear drops in your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Raign "Don't Let Me Go"
> 
>  Also a big thanks to [keihi](http://keihi.tumblr.com/) who beta read this fic for me.
> 
> **For an additional story warning about the abortion thing please go to the end notes. They are not spoiler-free!**

Clay is everything he has been seeing for days.

He follows it with his eyes, sighing as he bends down to put it on the spatula and smooth out the last of the holes in this part of the wall.

He remembers being glad about being done with the house panels until they had all been told that the next step would be isolating the walls by putting fabric between the inner walls (which had beenthe ones they had worked on) and the outer walls (which the engineers are currently salvaging from the ark parts they had found three weeks ago).

So for the past week Murphy hasn’t done anything else other than plugging holes between the panels.

It’s outside. It’s cold. It’s snowing and he really doesn’t think that the clay will even dry with all the snow.

But it’s better than sitting in his room and staring at the walls which is everything he had been doing for the first week since… well  _since_.

He sighs again and wipes his forehead with his forearm. He’s sweating because somehow this work is a lot more exhausting than one would think and he’s pretty sure that he’ll catch a cold at some point. The thought should distress him but somehow it doesn’t.

Numbness has been a constant companion in the last three weeks and Murphy isn’t sure if that’s better than being angry or sad but at least now he doesn’t  _feel_  anything.

Maybe this is why his mother drank herself to death. Maybe being numb is better than feeling. But being dead isn’t better than being alive.

Someone bumps into him and the spatula falls down in the pot of clay, splashing a bit against the bucket and against Murphy’s pants. He bends down to pull it out and tries wiping the clay on the edge, which seems to work at least a little bit.

The person that bumped into him doesn’t stop and doesn’t apologize and Murphy doesn’t have to be a genius to know that it has been an intentional move. There have been a lot of these in the past weeks and at the moment he doesn’t have the energy to put some effort into getting them to stop doing it. It’s not like he doesn’t deserve it to some degree.

The spatula is still dirty and the clay sticks to his fingers but at least he manages to get it out of there.

“Everything okay here, Mr Murphy?” asks Miller’s dad and Murphy jumps to his feet. Miller’s dad is one of the few people who haven’t started punishing him for what happened yet.

It actually seems like he tries to make sure that nothing too bad happens to him. Murphy isn’t sure if it’s because Miller’s dad found him that night or because Jackson has said something to him – which would be weird since Miller’s dad and Jackson don’t have anything to do with each other, where did that thought come from? So it had probably been Miller himself, who tries to make sure that Murphy doesn’t get floated by a furious Octavia or an angry Reyes. He expects something from them any day because the looks they have been giving him promise pain.

“Fingers got cold,” he mumbles into his scarf and it’s not even a lie. He has to hold the spatula and he needs his fingers for that so gloves haven’t been given out to any of them – he checked because one of the Hundred is responsible for his work-stuff and he did get a broken spatula a few days ago.

Miller’s dad hums and clicks his tongue. “How much more?”

“The other panel and then the last house until dark.” Which won’t be that long. It’s December and days have been short. It’s miraculous how fast they actually managed to get the houses up because it’s only been a couple of days since they started isolating the walls but the others are halfway done and only a few people remain to plug the holes. Maybe it’s because they’re all cold and want something warm. At least that’s what making him work as fast as he can.

“Finish this one, then call it a day. You’ll finish the last one tomorrow,” Miller’s dad puts a hand on his shoulder and Murphy expects to flinch because Miller’s dad is an Alpha but the scent is so low-key that he can’t help but wonder if they managed to put some suppressions together.

So he nods and forces out a smile that Miller’s dad sees right through.

 

* * *

 

“I might have a problem,” Monty says right after he has barged into Murphy’s room, and drops down on Miller’s bed. Murphy has his back to him, going through his clothes hoping to find something that doesn’t smell  _weird_  – but it all does, it all smells horrible and reminds him – so he is only guessing Monty’s movements from the noise.

He ignores it at first because Miller can deal with this but then he remembers that Miller isn’t done with his shift yet.

He turns around, shirt hanging from his fingers and asks: “Are you talking to me?”

Monty nods and honest to god wrings his hands. “I’m an Omega in need of help, you’re an Omega who might be able to get me that help.”

“No.”

“Dude-“

“I have enough trouble on my own without getting involved in whatever relationship drama-“

“I think I’m pregnant.”

Murphy blinks. Looks down at his shirt then back to Monty. He’s not sure if this is a really bad joke since there’s not really a reason for Monty to prank him because to be honest Murphy doesn’t care enough about him.

“Congratulations?” he offers and Monty raises his eyebrows at him and shakes his head, like Murphy just said something really stupid.

“I’m sorry?” he tries again and Monty sighs and falls back on Miller’s bed. Murphy watches him awkwardly as he puts his hands over his eyes. But Monty doesn't say anything else so he turns around again and continues going through his clothes.

It takes maybe two minutes for Monty to crack and when he does it’s with a frustrated yell that seems to get muffled by his hands.

“Seriously?” Monty says after he has stopped making weird noises. “You’re not even gonna ask me why I think that? Who the father is?”

Murphy sighs and puts the shirt away before sitting down on his bed and leaning against the wall.

“I guess you forgot to take your contraceptives. And it’s probably Miller’s baby because he’s so into you it’s pathetic.” Monty opens his mouth. “Also I don’t care.”

The raised eyebrow is apparently supposed to tell him something but he can’t quite figure out what so he just keeps looking at Monty.

“They didn’t give them to me.”

“They didn’t give you what?”

“Contraceptive pills. Like I went into heat and the next day I went to Clarke’s mum and she told me that they’re getting short on them so only Alpha and Omega pairs get them now. So I should just hope for the best.”

Murphy would like to say something calming to Monty who’s obviously getting worked up over the issue and he really doesn’t want to deal with this.

But he also remembers – and he has been so good at repressing that memory – that he didn’t get a pill either, because nobody had forced him to go through with it and if he had been willing to help someone out with their heat than it was his own fault.

He blinks and tries to bury the memory again but now that it’s there it’s not going away anytime soon.

“Have you talked to Jackson yet?” he asks instead and Monty shakes his head.

“He’s been really busy the past days and I just don’t know what to tell him.”

“The same thing you told me?”

Even though he gets annoyed by him constantly, Murphy is thankful for Jackson’s presence in his life. Or more like he’s very thankful that Jackson saved him from a few very awkward meetings by letting him stay with him after… well, afterwards.

Monty tilts his head to the side and rolls his eyes. It seems like he’s waiting for something but then he just huffs.

“You’re so bad at this. Can you please come with me?”

It’s not like he hadn’t seen this one coming. He groans. “You’re a big boy, seriously, I don’t need that baby talk.”

“Murphy. Please.”

God fucking damn it.

“Fine. But don’t to hold your hand while you are pushing out.”

“Fuck you, Murphy.”

“Oh and Monty,” he adds before Monty can get any funny ideas. “I really don’t care.”

Monty smiles at him like they’re sharing a joke. “Keep telling yourself that.”

 

* * *

 

Jackson is not in his room so Monty drags him towards the medical ward – which is still in the middle of the crashed Ark because it’s the safest and warmest room in the whole camp.

It’s crowded because the colder and wetter it gets the more people get sick – and Murphy is so very thankful that he hasn’t caught anything so far, he’s not sure if he could deal with something like this now – and since they’re both healthy they can’t just march in there.

It’s late, it’s still kind of cold and person after person disappears in the room but it doesn’t seem like the hall’s getting any less crowded.

Monty kicks him in the shin when Clarke’s mum walks past them and and throws a look in their direction. It seems like the corners of her mouth move up a bit, barely containing a smile and then she’s past them and marches in the room.

Monty looks at him and Murphy just shrugs. He doesn’t know what her deal is and he doesn’t want to know. He wants this to be over and then he wants to eat something far away from the rest of the Hundred who all apparently blame him – rightfully so.

It takes maybe five minutes but finally Jackson comes out, gives them a fast once-over and then pushes them forward.

Murphy rolls his eyes as soon as he realises that Jackson is pushing them towards his room – and why couldn’t they have waited there? It’s cold, yes, but at least no one would have looked at them.

As soon as they’re inside – and Murphy crunches his nose because god damn it, it smells even worse than the other day, what is Jackson doing in here – Jackson turns around to them, a slight hint of panic on his face.

“Please don’t tell me you’re both pregnant?” he says and Murphy shakes his head. Monty shrugs and Jackson sighs. He motions for them to sit down on the bed and considering the general smell Murphy really doesn’t want to know what Jackson gets up to in here. He’s not sure if Monty is just too caught up in his own problems to realise it but of the two of them he’s the only one sitting down at the edge of the mattress. Jackson just gives him a warning look not to say anything from where he sits on something that is possibly supposed to be a trunk and Murphy is definitely going to say something at some point. If he can keep it in mind and feels up to it. Which both haven’t really been the case in the last few weeks.

“I think I might be but it’s more of a chance thing than actual knowledge,” Monty explains and Murphy looks him up and down. He has absolutely no idea what early pregnancy stages look like but he knows that Omegas are ridiculously fertile. An Omega has about an 89% chance of getting pregnant at any time and during a heat… You could probably be impregnated by a tree without even touching it.

“And Dr Griffin refused to give me a pill because the chances aren’t that big because M- my partner was a Beta.”

“That’s the new standard procedure,” Jackson says, cringing and not looking at them.

“But it doesn’t make any sense, do they want us to get pregnant or what.” Monty rolls his eyes and Jackson doesn’t answer.

It’s the first thing to actually pique Murphy’s interest in three weeks. Could it be…?

“They want us to get pregnant, don’t they?” Monty’s head flips around to him and Jackson sighs and puts his head in his hands.

“They can’t do that, that’s unethical.” The confusion and surprise is strong in Monty’s voice and Murphy can’t pin-point exactly why he isn’t surprised by this new development. Maybe because they tried to make him not take the pill when he went through his heat or maybe… maybe it just makes the most sense.

“They sent us down here to die,” he corrects Monty and watches as Monty looks from Jackson to him and finally falls back on Jackson’s bed. Murphy really doesn’t want to know how much stuff Monty is going to have on his clothes.

“The council has decided that we need to reproduce, especially the young and strong people. There’s been peace for a while now so they finally went through with it.”

Jackson’s voice is bitter and Murphy realises that he likes these new developments as much they do.

“And they didn’t tell us because a lot of Alphas went into rut and a lot of Betas helped out,” he starts.

“And it’s the Omegas’ fault anyway because that’s just how we are.” He laughs and shakes his head. His heat is scheduled to begin in about two weeks and he knows that if he lets anyone fuck him – which he won’t because he just can’t after everything – he’ll be in Monty’s position.

Jackson just nods and leans back. “They’re trying to be sneaky about it, reminding people of their duty but not outright forcing anyone.”

“So there’s nothing I can do?” Monty’s defeated tone is clouding his voice.

“Maybe you should talk to someone who knows a thing or two about natural contraceptives.”

Raising his eyebrows in confusion Murphy looks back and forth between the two of them. It takes about ten seconds for Monty’s face to light up and Jackson smiles. Murphy doesn’t get what he means.

“Thanks, I’ll tell you how it went,” Monty says and jumps up. Murphy gets up too, confused as to how he figured out what Jackson meant.

“Murphy, a moment?” Jackson asks and Murphy just nods to Monty who winks at him and slips out of the room.

“How are you feeling?”

“No.”

“Murphy.”

“I’m not doing this.”

“I think you need to talk to someone.”

“Just like you need to clean your room or do you not care that anyone can smell how much sex you have on those sheets? Did the council order you or did you get yourself an Alpha?”

Jackson blushes and then turns red with anger, lips pressed together.

“We’re not talking about me here. You totally isolated yourself from everyone. And I get that you need to do that right now but I’ve been told that people keep assaulting you.”

Murphy clenches his hands into fists. “Who told you that?” He’s not ashamed. Being on the receiving end of violence is something he’s gotten used to, is something he knows he deserves. But he doesn’t want anyone involved in it.

“That’s not important.” Jackson says and fuck him, of course it’s important. “The important thing is that you need to fight back.”

Murphy laughs. It sounds like Jackson thinks he’s the victim here.

“What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“Don’t do this.”

“Be-“

Murphy makes a step towards the door but Jackson grabs his arm.

“He made that choice himself, he decided to leave and you are not to be blamed for that, no matter what people tell you.”

He pulls his arm away with so much force that Jackson stumbles forward and opens the door. He’s out of it before Jackson can say another stupid word. He doesn’t wait for anything else to happen and he’s suddenly not as hungry as he should be, so his feet carry him back to his room.

There are a lot of people moving, being done with their shift, getting to the canteen and someone bumps against Murphy.

Gritting his teeth he looks over his shoulder and sees Monroe and Harper behind him. Monroe isn’t looking at him but Harper gives him an apologising look and then says something to Monroe, who looks at him with anger on her face.

He swallows and continues his way.

Miller isn’t in their room when he reaches it and he’s glad for that because now he can throw himself on his bed and press the pillow onto his face to muffle an angry scream.

He lies in bed for what feels like hours and when he sleeps he dreams of brown eyes filled with hurt and confusion.

He doesn’t cry, but when he wakes up his pillow is damp and his face feels swollen.

 

* * *

 

Harper takes him aside a few days later when he’s busy adjusting a new outer wall of the third house and he doesn’t particularly care for anything she has to say.

“Listen,” she says and he only half listens because he really doesn’t care. “I’m sorry about Monroe, she’s just… she’s really angry at you, she blames you. She’ll come around.”

He nods, waits for her to say something else and goes back to work when nothing follows.

 

* * *

 

Raven  _accidently_  spills ice cold water on him and within seconds he’s freezing and shivering and he doesn’t have any kind of energy to defend himself. He looks at her, smile on her face, that older guy hovering somewhere behind her apparently ready to punch him in the face.

His clothes are becoming extremely uncomfortable. He turns around and asks Miller’s dad if he can change and leaves shortly after. When he gets back to work Raven is nowhere to be seen.

 

* * *

 

He’s tired, he’s cold, he’s hungry and he’s being summoned by the council, or more accurately, he’s been summoned by Kane.

“There have been some complaints about you, Mr Murphy,” he says and Murphy looks at him. Kane doesn’t like him and he doesn’t like what Murphy is responsible for. He knows that he’s not here to get a promotion.

“I didn’t do anything.” It’s true. He hasn’t punched anyone in the face, even though everyone deserves it and he’s trying to do his work as best as he can.

Kane makes a noise that he can’t quite place. “Your superior thinks so too.” Thank god for Miller’s dad. “But I can’t just ignore sixteen people complaining.”

“What are they complaining about?” he asks even though he is so tired and he just wants to go to bed and never get back up again.

Kane looks straight at him. “I can’t tell you that, to protect their identities. You must understand that.”

Sure. So maybe there have been sixteen people or maybe Kane is just reminding him that he’s threading on really thin ice right now.

Whatever it is, he can’t do anything about it, because the damage is done and he can’t fix it now.

 

* * *

 

It’s the middle of the night and he can’t sleep. It’s probably not a good idea to wander around the camp alone but he’s hungry and he knows that the canteen keeps the leftovers in the kitchen when everyone has gone to bed.

Eating with the others is something he doesn’t do currently, mostly because he doesn’t want any more food on his clothes and he can do without the Hundred’s glaring.

He’s slicing some meat from a bigger piece to put it on his bread when one of the doors opens.

Jaha walks in, his beard longer, his face more haunted and a wild look in his eyes. Murphy’s hand hovers in the air, bread halfway to his mouth. But to his surprise it doesn’t seem like Jaha has noticed him, he’s just rummaging through the cupboards, quietly mumbling to himself until he pulls something out and smiles triumphantly. It’s dark so Murphy can’t see what exactly he’s taking but when Jaha turns around he finally seems to see him and grins broadly at him.  
“Good evening, John.”

“Evening,” he says, hand still in the air.

“Don’t burden yourself with such earthly things as food when soon we’ll all ascend to another plane of existence.”

Murphy blinks and watches Jaha leave the room. Insane as always. Someone should really keep him in line.

He shakes his head and bites into his food which tastes like ash in his mouth. He might be hungry but he hasn’t really got any appetite.

 

* * *

 

“So,” Monty says as he opens the door and slips in. It’s that day again when Miller’s shift ends later than Murphy’s and apparently that means that they have another sharing hour. Monty sits down on Miller’s bed again, radiating excitement and nervousness and Murphy sits up from where he has been lying on his bed. Maybe if he’s helpful Monty will leave him alone.

“I did what Jackson asked and talked to Octavia.”

Murphy isn’t really sure if that had been what Jackson had been talking about but if Monty believes that…

“Well I talked to Octavia and Lincoln and Lincoln told me that Grounders use a plant as a contraceptive. So you drink this tea made out of it during your heat and don’t get pregnant.”

“But aren’t you already pregnant?” Maybe. Most likely. Who knows? It’s not like they can make an ultrasound down here.

“It’s also used to terminate pregnancies. You put a leaf in your mouth, and keep it there for as long as it tastes bitter and as soon as all the taste is gone, you take the next leaf. You do that for a whole day and it triggers a chemical reaction that will make you lose whatever clumps of cells there have been in you.”

That doesn’t sound particularly safe to be honest. He tells Monty as much and Monty rolls his eyes at him. It’s really weird to see him so excited because normally Miller is the one on the other end of this but Miller isn’t here at the moment.

“Grounders have used it for as long as Lincoln can remember, and he and Octavia use it all the time so it’s got to work, doesn’t it?”

Murphy shrugs and Monty nods. How he can be so excited about something like this is far beyond him. But after all, he’s not really excited about anything at the moment.

“And where are you gonna get it?”  
“That’s the awesome thing. We’re already growing it in the garden. Nobody knows what it’s for but Bell… a few of the others decided that it might be useful to have it there.”

“So the adults don’t know about it?”

“Nope.”

That is actually kind of convenient, considering what is going on at the moment. If Murphy should ever find himself in the situation of wanting someone for his heat again, he might have to remember this.  _If_  anyone would give it to him.

“So are you gonna tell Miller?” It’s not like Miller has any say in this but Murphy thinks that if you’re nearly in a relationship with someone you should probably tell them something like this.

“Yeah, wanted to talk to him as soon as he’s back from work.”

Oh. That’s why he’s here.

“So you need me to leave.”

“Just for an hour.”

The room has been his refuge, the place where he could spend time alone and away from everyone who is blaming him – but not from himself, never from himself – and he especially doesn’t want to be outside in the evenings, when everyone is running around the camp anyway. But Monty asked and even though he doesn’t feel like he wants to care, some part of him does.

“It’s no problem. Just put a sock on the door so I know you’re fucking and don’t walk in on you.”

Monty throws Miller’s pillow after him.

He can stay outside for a few hours.

 

* * *

 

His knees buckle under him and he stumbles to the side, sinking down on one knee to keep himself from falling down completely. His face hurts where the Alpha’s fist has connected with it.

“What?” the Alpha asks and Murphy hates him. It’s the same guy that attacked him about four weeks ago. His friends are nowhere to be seen today and Murphy knew the moment he saw him that this would end badly. For him.

“Nothing smart to say today?”

The Alpha grips Murphy’s hair with one hand and pulls him up again. He’s about half a head taller than Murphy but he’s pulling him up to meet him eye to eye so Murphy is balancing on his tiptoes.

There’s blood running down his face and everything hurts so badly that tears are burning in his eyes.

“Or is it because Blake isn’t here to save you?”

They move. Murphy’s head is pulled back and because of the angle he can’t see where the Alpha is hauling him to.

They had already been at the edge of the camp but Murphy gets pushed to the ground as soon as there’s not a single light around anymore.

“Fuck off,” he says because he has nothing to say to someone like that. He could fight back but he just can’t get himself to do that. He can take a few punches and kicks. Maybe it will make him feel better. Maybe it will make him feel punished and less guilty.

But then the Alpha opens his jacket and fumbles with his zipper and Murphy is suddenly not okay with just lying back and taking it anymore.

He jumps to his feet, vision a bit blurry and with a horrible headache but he’s fast enough that the Alpha only realises it when he’s already on his feet.

Kicking him in the balls before running away feels a lot better than he expected it to.

“You can’t run, bitch. Camp isn’t big enough to hide!” He hears the Alpha yell and as soon as he steps into the light again he runs into someone.

“Hey, watch out,” Monroe says and Murphy stops in his tracks.

Just like nearly everyone else she’s been giving him the cold shoulder for the past few weeks and he can’t fault her for it. She’s always been good friends with… Of course she’s angry at him for the whole mess.

“Watch where you’re going,” she snaps at him and Murphy just nods because he would really like to get somewhere with people who don’t want to see him raped by an Alpha with a superiority complex – not that there are that many such people.

“What the fuck happened to your face?”

Murphy opens his mouth to tell her to go fuck herself but then the Alpha yells again and Monroe eyes widen.

She looks him over, looks over his shoulder.

“Come with me.” She grabs his hand and tugs him forward, to where she is probably going to get rid of his body and Murphy isn’t sure how he should feel about this.

People are already starting to move towards the canteen and Murphy is really glad that most of them ignore him. They’re probably too hungry and with dirt and blood on his face and the half-light the lamps give them they might not recognise him immediately.

Monroe pulls him towards a part of the Ark that he hasn’t been in a lot because it’s the other side of the living quarters and he doesn’t really know anyone here.

She opens a door and pushes him inside.

“There you are- what the fuck?” Harper says and Murphy has to turn his face because she’s sitting on the bed right behind the door. Or, well the only bed because if there ever have been two beds there’s only one now.

“Did you do that?” Harper asks and Monroe scoff behind him.

“Oh please. Found him like that. Can you get Jackson?”

He follows Harpers with his eyes as she leaves and lets Monroe push him on the bed. She turns around and throws a rag at his face.

“You’re dripping.”

Murphy touches his face and realises that yes, there’s blood coming from his nose. He presses the rag against his face and looks at her.

She seems pissed, angry and he doesn’t understand why she took him here when she can’t stand him.

“You could have taken me to medical you know. Or let me walk there on my own.” He sounds ungrateful, he knows it, but he is just so done with being polite and he just wants everyone to stop looking at him.

“And take time away from real patients? I saw Jackson five minutes ago, he’s done for today, so he can take care of you.”

She crosses her arms and stares at him with a dark look in her eyes. God he hates this so much.

“What the fuck were you doing with that guy anyway?”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh please, Murphy, we all know you like stringing people along and now that Bellamy isn’t here you found someone else? And he wanted you to shut up or what?”

Murphy is speechless. He doesn’t know what to make of this conversation because he can’t even believe that Monroe – and he knows Monroe, she has some pretty cool and liberal thoughts on Omega rights when she doesn’t hate him – would think something like that.

“That guy attacked me,” he says and Monroe rolls her eyes.

“It’s not the first time. He did it a few weeks ago the first time and … at the Ark crash site.”

Monroe raises her eyebrows at that, eyes wandering through her room for a moment.

“Bellamy told me about that, I think. He saved you.”

Murphy nods. He doesn’t want to think about this. He can’t.

“And still you were such an absolute asshole to him.”

And he can’t deny that because what he has done to Bellamy definitely qualifies as being an asshole.

She seems to expect him to say something to that, maybe even defend himself, but instead he just pulls the rag away from his face to look how much blood is coming from his nose and yeah it’s still flowing.

They’re saved from anymore awkward talking when the door opens and Harper returns.

Jackson comes into the room behind her, followed by Miller’s dad.

He raises his eyebrows at that – or tries because his whole face just hurts so fucking much – and then Jackson curses and makes two big steps to him and crouches down in front of him.

“What happened?” Miller’s dad asks and Murphy doesn’t get what Monroe answers because Jackson is shining a light in his eyes.

“Does that hurt?” Jackson asks and Murphy shakes his head.

“I don’t have a concussion.” He’s had enough concussions in his life to know the symptoms.

“Let me be the judge of that.”

Murphy rolls his eyes but answers all the usual questions. When Jackson is done and grudgingly clears him for going back to his room Murphy gets up, but immediately gets pushed down on the bed by Miller’s dad.

“You were attacked?”

Murphy sighs. “Obviously.”

“Who was it?”

“I don’t know how, he attacked me before, said some stupid stuff.” He wants this to be over. There is no reason for them to be having this conversation. He is an Omega, the guy that attacked him is an Alpha. It is as easy as that.

“I know who he is,” Monroe throws in. Murphy looks at her, confused as to her sudden helpfulness but she avoids his gaze.

“And I saw some of what happened.”

Miller’s dad nods. “We can definitely get the guy some punishment and a reminder that all citizens in this camp have to abide by certain rules.”

Murphy flinches. He’d done stuff worse than that Alpha did, everything changed because of it, and now he wants someone else to get punished for it? That isn’t fair but Murphy… he’s not a good person and he knows it, and he doesn’t want anyone to know about what he did.

“Murphy?” Harper asks and Murphy realises that everyone is looking at him.

“Sergeant Miller was asking if you want to press charges.”

He shakes his head. Jackson is immediately by his side, putting a hand on his shoulder in comfort and Murphy feels so wrong, he thinks he might throw up.

“Mr Murphy, I really think you should change your mind on this,” Miller’s dad demands but Murphy shakes his head again.

“No,” he says, voice stronger than he imagined it would be.

Jackson still has a hand on his shoulder but looks back to Miller’s dad.

“I’ll take it from here, David.”

Miller’s dad frowns and then sighs. Murphy doesn’t get what he says to Harper and Monroe, because Jackson is pressing a clean rag against his face and drags him out of the room.

He doesn’t get to talk until Jackson has dragged him from Monroe and Harper’s room to his own. He just hopes that Monty and Miller are done with their little emotional crisis, because he can’t do this right now. Especially not with Jackson there.

“Murphy,” Jackson starts and Murphy holds his hand out.

“I really don’t wanna do this.”

“What if he attacks you again?”

“I guess I’ll have to be more careful? That’s what we were taught, right? It’s my scent. So alluring to Alphas that we need to be ready to fight them off at all times.”

He sees the strain in Jackson’s jaw and remembers what Monty told him. That Jackson is a strong believer in Omega rights. Just the idea of this must have him livid. Which is kind of funny because Jackson smells like there might have been an Alpha knotted inside him only a few hours ago. Maybe minutes.

“Calm down,” he says and rolls his eyes because Jackson looks like he might go off on a rant in about two seconds. “It wasn’t meant like that, I’m just aware of how the council would frame it.”

“Would you react like this if Bellamy was here?” Jackson simply says and Murphy flinches at the mention of his name.

He shakes his head. He can’t do this. “It’s not the same.”

“Because your Alpha left you, I get that and it sucks but just because you don’t have anyone at the moment doesn’t mean you not worth anything.”

He feels like he can’t breathe. White dots are dancing before his eyes and he thinks he might faint any second. Which is weird because he also feels sick to his stomach.

“It’s not that,” he presses out. “And he wasn’t my Alpha.”

Jackson gives him one of  _those_  looks. “Just because he is a stupid ass who rejected you out of fear of his own feelings doesn’t mean that he didn’t want you.”

Murphy wants to laugh. “He didn’t want me.”

The eye-roll Jackson gives him might have insulted him any other time. “Of course he did. Everyone knows that.”

“He told me.”

“What?”

Murphy sighs. He doesn’t want to talk about this and the thought of what happened makes him sick. But he feels like he can trust Jackson, despite the Alpha smell that clings to him.

“He said after his rut that he didn’t want me and that if he could have had a choice, he wouldn’t have chosen me.”

Confusion spreads on Jackson’s face. “That doesn’t sound like Bellamy.”

“I thought he wanted me.” He swallows and feels like it gets stuck in his throat. Tears start forming in the corner of his eyes but he wills them down. “But he didn’t. And I couldn’t care enough about his opinion to think about that before forcing myself on him.”

“Whoa, Murphy,” Jackson says and holds his hand out. “Maybe there was a misunderstanding. Because I can tell you that there is no one in this camp who doesn’t know how much Bellamy wants you, okay? This has to be a misunderstanding.”

Murphy smiles sadly. “You’re just saying this because Omegas aren’t supposed to rape people.”

“I’m saying this because it doesn’t add up. If Bellamy confirms this when he returns than I’ll believe it but…” Jackson sighs and puts his hand over his eyes.

“I think there must have been a misunderstanding.”

Murphy scoffs at the thought.

“Miscommunication then.” And then Jackson sighs. “Even if what you think happened really happened… I just want you to know that it doesn’t mean you can’t press charges.”

“I really don’t wanna.” He feels tired, so tired and he just wants to go to bed.

“Okay.” Jackson gives him a smile and a pat on the shoulder. “And your heat is in about six days, isn’t it?”

Murphy nods and Jackson eyes move down. “Or should be.”

“What do you mean?”

“Murphy, you had sex with an Alpha in rut and didn’t get a morning after pill.”

“But that doesn’t mean I’m pregnant. I don’t feel pregnant.”

Jackson gives him one of those looks that would normally insult Murphy but he can’t think about being offended right now.

“Just in case you don’t get it, Monty knows where to get the stuff. If you want to not be pregnant.”

He nods. He remembers the weird conversation. Jackson gives him another smile and a nod before he starts walking down the corridor.

“You know,” Murphy says and crunches his nose. “You’re the one to talk. You smell like someone really tried to get you pregnant.”

Jackson flips him off and Murphy smiles lazily.

He reaches for the door handle but then the door opens and Miller pushes his head out.

“Hey,” he says and Miller looks at him like something doesn’t add up.

“Was my dad here?” he asks and Murphy shakes his head.

“No, why?”

“Smells like him.”

“Huh,” Murphy makes and goes inside the room. Monty is still there, just like he expected and he’s lying on the bed with a look of satisfaction on his face.

Murphy breathes slowly through his mouth and makes a show of it for Monty’s benefit who just hits him with a pillow.

It hits him directly in the nose which kind of hurts but he is way too tired to do anything about it, so he takes the pillow and ignores Monty’s complaining about him being a pillow thief.

 

* * *

 

To Murphy’s big surprise the next few days feel nearly manageable to him.

Nothing has really changed but he feels like a weight has been lifted from him now that someone knows and Monroe and Harper have decided to sit with Miller, Monty and him in the canteen again. So he still gets nasty looks from nearly everyone in the camp but he feels…

He feels like he might be able to survive the next few months.

Which is of course the exact moment when everything goes to shit.

He’s sitting in his room – because honestly, it’s cold and dark outside and there is nothing that he can do that isn’t working or getting shit from the Hundred – Miller and Monty on Miller’s bed and Monty’s head in Miller’s lap while Miller pets Monty’s hair.

Apparently you can’t be left alone when you poison yourself with Grounder-leaves to get rid of a cell-lump that might or might not be there. Since Monty doesn’t want to go the doctor because he’s – probably rightly – afraid that they are just going to lock him up and force him to have babies, they can just guess, and according to Lincoln the herbs don’t do lasting damage. Unless you use them daily.

So Monty is lying on the bed, kind of dizzy and not bleeding so far – for which Murphy would like to offer his congratulations but he thinks he might wait with that a few hours – when he raises his head and looks at Murphy.

“What day is it?” he asks and Murphy and Miller share a confused look.

“Date or weekday?” he asks. Not that he knows. He thinks it might be Christmas soon. Or maybe it was Christmas recently.

“How long have you been here?” If he can go by the look on Monty’s face it seems like Monty might be thinking really hard about something that Murphy can’t follow.

“I don’t know. About…” He counts back in his head which isn’t that easy when you don’t have anything to measure the days by. There might be a calendar in the canteen but that would mean getting up. He comes up with: “8 and a half weeks? 9? Something like that?” and Monty raises his eyebrows.

Miller looks at him like he’s seen a ghost. “Weren’t you in heat when you came back?”

“Yeah. But what-“ Murphy stops. He blinks and takes a deep breath which honestly doesn’t help that much considering the fact that…

“I should be in heat right now.”

“You should at least feel it even if it’s late,” Monty adds.

Murphy thinks he might be falling ill.

“There’s an explanation for this,” he forces out, voice strained and thin.

“Yeah, you had sex with an Alpha in rut four weeks ago.”

He glares at Miller who just shrugs and Murphy can’t blame him because Miller is right and god damn it why didn’t he think about this?

_He knows why._

He feels like he’s going to faint. Or vomit. Maybe both. Maybe he’s going faint and then vomit. Then he is going to choke on it and end up like his mother. He can see that. It could totally happen.

He gets up.

“Murphy?” Miller asks but Murphy just shakes his head and takes a step forward.

He needs to leave. He can’t stay in this room. Not like this. He feels like crying and fainting and he can’t be within sight of anyone whose opinion he cares about when he starts losing control over his tear ducts.

And then Miller is up too, gripping his arm and pulling him down on the bed with Monty and him.

He doesn’t want to sit down and especially not with Miller and Monty who really have other problems on their minds at the moment. He doesn’t want them to care. Because it’s not like he cares in any way.

But they’re both not letting him get up. Monty smiles encouragingly at him and Miller’s hand is a comforting presence on his shoulder and Murphy just can’t do this.

He thought he was over it. That the talk with Jackson and being on okay-ish terms with Monroe and Harper would be enough to face whatever might be coming soon.

But here he is. Apparently pregnant and he doesn’t even like kids and doesn’t even know if he wants them someday, without a mate or a partner to support him and he feels so lost. He feels alone. And Murphy has always prided himself on not needing anyone but he can’t do this, he realises. He can’t do this.

_God he misses Bellamy so much._

He lets his head fall forward so that his hair covers his eyes, Monty’s scent and Miller’s hand a comforting presence in the back of his mind and he can’t stop the tears that are running down his face.

 

* * *

 

They don’t have to come up with an excuse for him not to go to work since it should technically be his heat. Which - if anyone would take a look at the calendar - should actually be over by now but Murphy just hopes that they don’t.

He thinks that he could go to work. It’s not like there’s anything stopping him but the knowledge of being pregnant, of having a baby… he feels like he can’t move, like he can’t continue with his life without making some kind of decision, both considering the growing …  _thing_  and his emotional state.

Both Miller and Monty have offered him their full support as well as Jackson and Miller’s dad and Monty mentioned that Harper and Monroe would help for sure if Murphy wants to tell them. Which he doesn’t. He’s still not sure how Miller’s dad knows because he’s pretty sure Miller didn’t say a word. But maybe he can smell it.

He’s not sure how early the scent changes and he’s only about four to five weeks along but he’s also not in any kind of way capable of thinking about reasons beyond that now.

There is support and there is an option because Monty left him enough of the herbs to take care of it himself and he feels…

“Is it weird that I feel bad? Like I’m a really bad person?” he asks Miller who’s keeping him company today because the others have apparently collectively decided that he can’t be left alone. Which is stupid. He’s not going to kill himself over this.

“Depends on why you feel you’re a bad person, I guess,” Miller says and Murphy chuckles. Miller is always direct and he enjoys it far more than Jackson’s reasonability and Monty’s support.

“I’m trying to tell myself that I have this big choice ahead of me. But… there’s no choice really.”

Miller raises his eyebrows. “So you’re just trying to come up with good reasons to take the herbs because you don’t want to feel bad?”

And of course Miller knows what kind of decision he  _wants_  to make so desperately, so he just nods.

Miller sighs. “The way I see it you got a few questions you need to answer.”

Murphy frowns. “Questions?”

“First: Are you able to raise this child on your own? Because as much help as you’ll get, at some point everyone might be busy and you’d have to do it alone. Second: Are you emotionally ready to have a baby without being mated? I mean everyone always talks about new times and no prejudices and all of that but that’s something you really need to consider.”

Murphy knows the answers to these questions. But they still don’t help him because he has been thinking about them non-stop.

“And the third and most important question,” Miller says. “Do you want a kid? Because it’s your life and your body and if you don’t want it and just carry it to term because you feel like you have to, that’d be the worst thing.”

He doesn’t think he ever heard Miller talk so much. But as always he has a pretty good point.

Murphy leans back and closes his eyes. He knows the answer to that question but… but it doesn’t make him feel right. It makes him feel weird and wrong and like he’s shitting on thousands of years of evolution, which honestly has never bothered him before.

“I don’t. But I know that it’s there and…” He can’t describe the feeling. It’s different than it was with Monty because nobody knew if Monty was pregnant. But he knows.

“Can you guarantee that you can give a child everything you want for it?”

“No.”

“Then you don’t have to feel bad. You’re doing what’s best for it.”

Murphy looks at him. “That sounds like something Jackson would say.”

Miller gives him one of his rare grins which he normally only reserves for Monty. “You sound like Jackson, man. Seriously you’re going soft.”

Murphy wants to throw something at him but Miller is right like most of the time and Murphy hates him for it. Which means that he’s really glad that Miller might consider him his friend. Not that he’ll ever tell him that.

“So you think I should take it?”

“I think you should do what you want and don’t give a shit about anyone else’s opinion.”

Murphy huffs. If it could be that easy.

But… honestly? It is that easy. The herbs are lying right there and it’s not like anybody knows.

He bites his lips and grabs them with one hand. Not looking at Miller, he takes a leaf out of the box and turns it around in his hands.

“You’re gonna be here?” he asks Miller because he knows that he shouldn’t be alone during this, just like Monty couldn’t be alone.

Miller nods and Murphy takes a deep breath.

Then he puts the leaf in his mouth.

It’s bitter and it tastes horrible and the look on his face makes Miller raise his eyebrows but he just rolls his eyes.

He snaps his fingers at the towel Monty had stolen when he was the one doing this and Miller throws it to him.

He puts it under himself, thinks a second and then takes off his trousers because while they’re dirty there’s not enough dirt on the to mask visible blood stains.

He pulls the blanket over himself and waits for the pain to start.

 

* * *

Murphy expected it to be worse if he’s being honest. He feels hot and his whole lower body hurt but he doesn’t feel like dying which is a great improvement to his general state of mind.

He’s been slipping in and out of consciousness for the past… well since about the third leaf and feels around with his tongue and then reaches for the leaves.

But he feels so tired and exhausted and his fingers feel too heavy to reach into the box.

He looks up when he sees Monty – who relieved Miller of his duty some time ago – give him another and he pulls the old leaf out of his mouth and lets it fall down to where six other ones lie.

Monty smiles at him and feels his temperature and then goes back to lying on Miller’s bed.

It’s really nice to have people who care about your wellbeing not because they want something from you but just because they actually like you.

If only Bellamy could have cared about him.

 

* * *

There’s a commotion outside.

Murphy opens his eyes and sees Miller slip out of the room. He wants to get up but his whole underbelly is cramping and when he looks down there is a lot of blood. Well, not a lot. He guesses it’s a decent amount of blood considering the fact that it might have turned into an actual human being at some point.

He leans back into his pillow and waits for Miller to come back.

 

* * *

“You wanna tell him?” someone says.

“We can’t just not tell him, what do you think is going to happen?” Murphy tries to open his eyes but he is so tired.

“Yeah but now?”

“Maybe not now but before he finds out himself.”

“That’s really not a conversation I want to have.”

“Do you think I want that?”

Murphy sighs and buries his head deeper in his pillow. Fever dreams are really weird.

 

* * *

 

 

When Murphy wakes up next time there’s a water can standing next to him and someone has left a note saying:

_‘jackson says everything should be fine by now. be back in ten’_

It’s written in Miller’s scrawny writing and Murphy isn’t sure if he wants to know how long ago Miller should have returned but he sits up and grunts.

He’s still in pain but it is pretty low-key considering the pain he had been in a few hours ago so he drinks some water and then gets up. He strips the bedding as well as his own underwear off and throws it all into one big ball.

When he pulls on another pair of underwear – more like the only other pair he has – and the rest of his clothing he stops in his tracks because…

Murphy laughs.

He actually feels good. Well, not good. Exhausted, but okay. Like some great weight has been lifted off him and he can finally breathe.

This really had been a good idea.

He pulls the ball of bedding up and gets out of his room, not waiting for anyone to return. Instead he tries to be sneaky while he makes his way to the laundry room to maybe throw his stuff in with other people’s stuff so that no one notices what he has done.

He doesn’t know how late it is but it’s unusually quiet and it seems like no one is working. Maybe the reason Miller hadn’t been in the room really has been important.

He doesn’t think anyone sees him when he sneaks into the laundry room but he still closes the door behind him.

Pulling someone else’s clothes out of one of the huge containers he wraps some of it around his own and then dumps it in it and puts some more stuff on top of it.

He might never see his shorts again but he can probably steal somebody else’s.

He looks out of the window and sees Jaha running past it, carrying something in his arm that he can’t quite identify. As always Jaha only smiles at him when he realises that Murphy has been watching him and goes on his way.

One day Murphy should really find out what exactly Jaha is doing.

For now he just rolls his eyes because he feels actually kind of good about himself and he still can’t explain it; because shouldn’t he feel horrible with all the Omega hormones and being made for having babies?

But he’s not. He’s okay and he feels better because he’s not pregnant and all alone and even though there is something weird scratching at the back of his mind it’s not big enough to actually make him feel bad.

He washes his hand to get every trace of blood off – even though he made sure not to touch any of it directly – and then turns around to the door to go find out where everyone is.

His hand is a few inches away from the door handle when it opens on its own. Murphy looks up to see if it’s someone he can ask where everyone is but only only sees brown eyes and freckled cheeks.

Bellamy’s eyes widen when he realises who he’s standing before from and there’s a shrill noise rising in Murphy’s ears that makes every other noise fade out.

“You’re back,” he says, before he can think and Bellamy nods.

Bellamy's face crumples and Murphy swallows before he pushes past him and leaves him standing where he is.

He can’t do this.

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's been some time since I updated this, especially considering the fact that this was originally intended to be a filler part with like 5k. But there was a bit of story that wanted to be told and my life has been really stressful the past three weeks (if you don't follow me on tumblr, [here](http://everknowing.tumblr.com/post/127006192891/so-i-talked-to-one-of-the-people-in-my-students) is a short breakdown of my current mental state). I'm mostly okay right now so hopefully Part 4 won't take that long. Which it might because I'm either gonna do a really long Part 4 or two shorter Part 4 and 5's.
> 
> As always if you want to scream at me you can do that here on ao3 (I generally answer all comments) or on [ tumblr](http://www.everknowing.tumblr.com) my askbox is always open and I love talking to you guys.
> 
>  
> 
>  **Additional story warning:**  
>  ↪ There is more than one discussion about having an abortion between a lot of characters  
> ↪ These discussions feature a lot of thoughts that can be classified as pro-choice  
> ↪ There are non-graphic abortions happening in the story that can be classified as self-inflicted miscarriages


End file.
